So I’m begging for a loud, violent backlash already. What good can come out of attacking an entire gender? Please allow me to begin backpedalling. See, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t respect women and validate their feelings as I should. I have, for too long, just miffed out a disgusted “WOMEN” whenever I’ve seen a female in the midst of some unexplainable action. I’m trying to change that- to accept that women are wired differently and deal with stress and feeling in parallel instead of in series. Or whatever your favorite metaphor is. Also, this probably is most applicable to women near my peer group (Gen Y).
So here we are with a bold title and an apologetic first paragraph. This though- this is how women can understand men and live with Mr. Pretty Sure He’s Right happily ever after or until the credits start or his mouth stops. Time for another disclaimer: there’s some freaking wierd people out there with all kinds of complexes (Oedipus complex being relevant). So this may not so apply to them.
Let’s start with some examples. A friend of mine went to do laundry at the new apartment and got scared by the upstairs renter while she moved their clothes out of the dryer. Post scream, she conversed regarding appropriate sharing procedures of laundry facilities. A short while later she and I picked up her boyfriend from work and on the way back she related the entire situation back to him. I have no doubt in my mind the retelling took longer than the actual incident.
So here’s the mistake: boys are not girls. Surprising I know. Guys just don’t relate and communicate like girls. Guys often don’t need the entire story. Don’t even need half of it. Don’t need to know how she discovered both sets of renters have similar weekly time schedules. This has nothing to do with two Guy Goals: Provide and Protect. If they were out of laundry detergent and she wanted a couple bucks to go grab some or if said co-renter had copped a feel, that’s where the guy has something to go off of. Because guys like to FIX THINGS. Anything outside the scope of fixing things, even conversationally become a bit hazy. Two other things to watch out for in this situation: First off, she interrupted what was most likely a short comment by said boyfriend in order to relay this story. Right after he got off work. See, interrupting is often more commonly accepted within a giggle of girls. Guys, the “Friends, Romans, Countrymen” type, don’t deal as well. Even if a pertinent comment relating to the sentence still in transit out of his vocal chords pops into her head it’s wise to hold said comment until the entire paragraph is out. Women who fail to recognize this perform conversational smothering. Also, get comfortable with silence. It’s no big deal, nothing against you. It’s not a tactic. He’s just got nothing to bring to the table. And maybe he should work on that. He probably spent all his effort trying to keep up with the laundry story during his ‘transition’ time where he files all his At Work thoughts away and reaches for his At Home thoughts. Many guys need between a half to whole hour for this task. Often, a guy’s eyes will glaze over mid-laundry story. It’s not that they don’t care. I know many a man who has desperately tried to empathize with his woman and lovingly listen, but has failed simply because she was talking as if to a women and he was listening as if to a man.
Conversational ambushes are sketchy. You know, where a dude walks into a bar and the bartender says “Ouch.” No, I mean like when a guy goes into say, the living room of his abode after a day at the office. It’s been done in my presence: a woman will immediately launch into “Hey guess what” or “You gotta listen to what i just read” or “I know you’ll find this hilarious” and then expound on said topic. The problem here is Failure to Observe Body Language. This female will have pounced on this topic long ago and now has a Dummy’s Guide To ______ with talking points all lined up. Guys don’t jump conversationally well. Or emotionally. So while the female sees no need for niceties and jumps right into something like “No, they’re not’ which harks back to the conversation they had last night about the state of the dishes, the man is often left out in conversational cold. By using niceties like “Hey honey bunches of oats and hearty goodness, i just read something quite disturbing and would like to share it with you. Do you have a minute?” and observing body language (which is the more telling of communication) (in this case, male might be grunting a tv and tyke up the stairs. not a good sharing time) it’s possible to get the most bang for your conversational buck.
I stated earlier the emotional jumping problems guys have. As an example, I saw a college girl go from I’m-so-mad-I’m-going-to-cry-and-punch-the-wall-in-the-bathroom back to I’m-so-happy-I’m-hot-and-funny-and-everyone’s-little-darling in less than a half hour. wow. Guys, when feeling emotions that intense, stick with them for a while (yes, Hermione, it’s quite possible). So it’s no surprise all the males observing this female just stared stunned while she giggled her way out of the bathroom, resplendent with bloody knuckles. And then gave her a wider berth. Guys just can’t keep up, so don’t expect it, k?
Of course, this could have just been the pressing of her Illogical Button. This idea would be funny if several women hadn’t confirmed it’s existence. Yes, once this button is pressed, all feelings that have been stored up for months and possibly years is unleashed in a matter of minutes. No one, not even the owner of that button will be able to explain it later. Not fully, not in that action=reaction kind of way. I think if women are able to recognize they’re high on the Illogical-ness, they should insert that into their screaming. Like “IT IS MOSTLY YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU SET ME OFF BUT MOST OF THIS IS BECAUSE I’VE BEEN GETTING ANNOYED AT THE RESULT OF MY OVERANLYZATION OF EVERYTHING WITHIN THE HEADING OF “NOUN” AND I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I SHOULD SHARE HOW I FELT BECAUSE I OVERANALYZED THE RESULT SO I JUST SHOVED IT ALL INSIDE AND NOW YOU AND YOU ALONE WILL SUFFER!” or something like that. if you find this funny, good. i really haven’t tried to make this funny. nor do i find it all that humorous myself.
Other issues: spending two hours every morning getting ready for public viewing. Yes yes, we’ve all been informed it’s to compete with each other and not for the sole viewing pleasure of males. And obviously not all women get this involved in the beautification process. And men rarely fail to appreciate the end result. But that’s a diggity-dang long time. For anything. Heck, if the summary of any given two-hour period doesn’t involve ‘fire’, ‘food’, ‘death-defying’, ‘once-in-a-lifetime’, ‘all-you-can-eat’ or ‘SWAT’ there’s a good chance it’s been wasted. Think I’m joking, too.
Fighting. There’s a good one. What’s with all the behind the back drama. My cuz told me a story about a girl from school who hated another one. Even brought a knife to school to fight her. At the mall later, the girls were spotted chatting hand in hand. wow. does that make sense to anyone? we’re talking about adolescents here. because of of mighty Pride, guys to a lot of aggressively stupid behavior. I saw two Londoners nearly sparring with their umbrellas after an accident on those crazy roundabouts. But wouldn’t it be nice to lose a few teeth and be done with it vice months of ‘i heard she said…’ ending with one hate competitor losing by being the first with an eating disorder. ok, that’s a little out of control. Guys have a hard time appreciating drama like that. because we Fix Things. If there’s a problem go fix it. Don’t stew over it forever. At this point, the ability to multitask and siphon actions through the how-everyone-involved-might-have-felt-filter is working against females.
In conclusion, get over yourselves. Stop worrying so much about how you look. One is always one’s worst critic. Ignore the impossibly shaped models in the stores you buy from and the magazines you read. Develop a self-worth based on meaningful knowledge of self. Know you are worthy of being loved and need not stoop to base hedonism and emulation of soap operas to gain fulfillment. Know that even if you never wore makeup again, combed your hair and then wore that bathing suit you are positive you’re too whatever for, your man would find you sexy. Appreciate guys for being different. Revel in the differences that add and not subtract from a relationship. Observe his body language and work off that when he’s not talking. Let him know by any means necessary he has your total support. Anything less is disaster. In this age of sexism and feminism, relationship power has moved largely to women. Share that power in a healthy way and hand over control altogether when healthy and good. Men are on a totally different plane of thought, and it’s waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay below you. So relax. Enjoy the simple baseness of guys. And if nothing makes sense, then man I gotta stop writing immediately after being insipired by steve and before getting some good rest.
Bring on the feedback.