Once again I have no real logical, connected thought process going. This will be random. Disclaimer finished: Let’s get this train wreck a’rollin’!
Just got back from my first vacation in a long time. I really enjoyed having no responsibilities for a while. Except, of course, responsibilities like keeping myself alive and arranging transportation for myself- both of which proved more difficult than i imagined.
Some friends were just in town- was fun to see them. It was kinda odd for me because the thing we did primarily was play video games. I’m not opposed to video games (even though I’m super bad at them), and the house we were at has a sweet setup. I guess my expectation was deeper one-on-one conversations.
And there are a few friends now that have stopped communicating with me. This bothers me because I take it as a personal rejection. If you’re reading this blog and are worried that I’m referring to you then please understand the people I am referring would not come close to this place. So now after months of not talking I left messages the other days on their phones to the effect of, “Hey it’s Brady. Wanted to know what was going on with you. If you want, call me back.” In the past I’ve just assumed that friends would want to call me back. The older the wiser I guess.
I was chatting with a girl the other day about dreams I have these vivid dreams on occasion, and I’ve had deja vu in some crazy places in the world. So two questions alwasys pop up: what do these dreams mean and how do they fit in to my world view. And by world view I guess I mean religion. Plenty of people in the Bible had dreams they took action on. I’m not communicating very clearly as this point. I guess I wonder how I should view dreams. Are they like fool’s gold- Exciting but worthless?
The other thing I’ve been thinking about is this blog and what I’m writing on it. I know, I know- why would I think so much about it and not write anything on it. I treat this space like a semi-public diary. But what in my life is appropriate to move from private to semi-public? If this is my space (get it?) then should I worry at all about audience? People choose to come here, so if they don’t like it they could choose to stay away. But to post every volatile thought running through my head seems a bit too much also. The people I’m aware of that read this are basically peers. I could probably say a lot without worry of mis-interpretation of character. And maybe it’s just selfish pride. I’ve identified myself as being a self-preservationist. I’ve known a few people who are those sacrificial friend types. Those people always jump in to support their friends no matter how messy the situation. Like joining fights and getting arrested. Like laughing at the inappropriately timed joke.
Me, on the other hand, often sees a bad incident coming and stays away at the expense of supporting my friends. So am I holding back from spilling all in order to maintain some aura of… I don’t know… grandioseness? Maybe. It could also be because I have a heightened sense of privacy. I don’t feel comfortable sharing things that are commonly discussed with others. I think I get this from my parents. Two primary topics I am reticent to discuss are money (how much is your rent?) and relationships (yeah my ex-girlfriend and I…). It could also once again point to pride. I often view money matters as a indication of my character. Which is not healthy, but normative for men, who often view life as a ‘provider.’ And I am often more reticent to discuss past relationships with women than with men.
One last thing before I rush off to work. There’s this girl I know. For some reason, I feel like I could push her into non-platonic physical activities and expect her to want to change in our relationship definition. To become “friends with benefits.” After I realized this I have recognized how messed up this view point is. But another guy mentioned they got the same impression. So I wonder what it is about this female-male interaction that encourages being used. And I wonder what it is in me (besides general loneliness) that would contemplate an idea I’m against on a moral level?