Here’s a thought that ran through my head recently: When I was just one more awkward teen, I started using my cheap bike to perform tricks/stunts/magnificent wrecks it was never designed for. I took pleasure in performing routine maintenance on it despite my lack of knowledge. Fast forward to the present and despite the fact I just received a degree in automotive technology, I loathe all maintenance on my shrinking fleet of vehicles. How did I ever go from A to B? But the cookie crumbs don’t end there.
One desire for my life is to ‘get in shape.’ My upper body, for example, is pretty weak. My shoulders and wrists have undiagnosed but ever-present ailments. My posture is primate. My lower back cries itself to sleep. And i don’t mind physical activity. So what’s stopping me from adopting Nike’s slogan as my battle cry?
Let’s just look at one more illustration. A couple buddies of mine have come over on occasion and we’ve indulged in a little of whatever alcoholic beverage I have at my house and they in their car’s trunks. They, with or without alcohol, end up in some form of combat. And I just watch and make occasional remarks like “He’s gonna get your left hand” or “You smell like molding goat’s milk”. We’ve all had some shade of military experience and various levels and form of combat training. So is it a lack of testosterone that holds me back? Not really.
This all came back to me today as I was reading a book my brother has been digging into for a while. Self-described as providing a map to become a man. In the first chapter, the author says the question every male needs answered as he transitions towards manhood is: Do I have what it takes? One other premise is that we are partial men- always in need of change towards becoming a man.
I really began to understand why I’m so good at ignoring all the problems I listed before: fear. I’m gonna be honest here- I’m really good at putting on a smile and swagger to hide this seething discomfort inside. But I’m an observer for crying out loud. Being a writer or a songwriter is being doomed to observe one’s self and analyze and think in dangerous dosages. Not all is gloomy in my world, but especially on the issues above I get real edgy.
I really don’t feel confident in my car knowledge. Sure I’ve fixed some cars, but I approach each job with trepidation and leave anxiously. There have been no problems to date, yet I still am afraid. My bike wasn’t so complex and only i suffered when a nut wasn’t torqued correctly or part ‘C’ wasn’t correctly seated between parts ‘A’ and ‘B’. On paper, I have what it takes, but in reality I haven’t proven myself to… myself. Fear.
As for physical fitness and combat readiness, I also have papers that indicate I should be well developed in these areas. I mean, all that is wrapped up in my honorable discharge. But what you don’t know is that I struggled in the military to pass physical fitness tests. The upper body stuff. What you don’t know is that I almost died in a late-night wrestling match somewhere in Kuwait because I didn’t really expect a man I could move as gently as a baby to grasp my neck in a desperate, “idiot strength” stranglehold. I can’t remember a fight I’ve won. What you now know is that I’m afraid- scared i’ll do the wrong thing at the wrong time and someone else will pay. Paralyzed by fear
I’ve discovered fears within the past year and faced them. Yes, ballroom dancing was one of them. And I’m working on my lost-lasting abhorrence of seafood. Those fears I mentioned earlier are from so long ago they may be inherited. I feel like I should be able to do this stuff, but in the end do nothing.
I can identify some areas of my life where I’m much more confident and far further down this road to masculinity. There are other areas where I’m just getting to that point I know I’m headed in the right direction- romantic relationships are a good example. For a long time I didn’t feel like I could, and now I feel like I can but have a loooooooong way to go before I do things ‘right.’
Knowledge can be good. Knowledge for the sake of knowing is only a liability. Does is matter if i can discuss the differences in trajectory, fragmentation and tissue destruction patterns between the five-five-six and seven-six-two NATO standard ball rounds? not when i’m trying to wrench on a car.
Some of the most important life lessons I have learned on my own- thankfully not all of them. My knowledge is in the head- I need more in the heart. Here I am- a Partial Man, full of fear and sometimes loathing.